20. Drink a
rootbeer orange float.
Yesterday, I bought myself an orange float out of necessity. I’d think it was a bit melodramatic of me to say yesterday was “the worst day ever” mostly because I’m on this emotional roller coaster ride a lot, but damn, yesterday sucked. It’s a lot of things: the city, the newness, my missing of my friends and family, desire for perfection, longing for things to work out quicker, the pressure to change me, learning to say fuck you to people telling me to compromise, reminding myself to believe in me, ignoring those shaking my core, and other inner demons coming out to taunt me.
I wanted so bad for this orange float to save the day, to be able to say that enjoying this orange float made me forget about all of this & how it made me remember all the great things in my life right now. But as I sat at my corner diner by myself sipping my orange float, it was like everything came crashing down on me. The reality of life, my life, just came up and I was forced to confront so many feelings all at once. The end result was a quietly sobbing Denise, blubbering for the check while choking down some orange cream soda.
In hindsight, it’s kind of funny to think about how ridiculous I looked, and also how uncomfortable I made my server feel with my watery eyes and snot running out of my nose. And no, that orange soda float didn’t save the day, or as I might have hoped: figure out my life for me, but it did remind me that at the end of the day, there’s only me. I’m allowed to feel sad and wallow in my own self pity, but I’m also the one responsible for picking up the pieces. I can’t depend on anyone else or any thing to figure it out. It’s gotta be me.
So, thank you, orange soda float, for giving me a reason to be dramatic and cry in public and then forcing me to deal with my sniffling self.